Communication is keeeyyy

Well people, it is not a surprise that communication is one of the most essential parts of a relationship. Not so fun fact: One of the most common reasons that people end relationships is because of terrible communication. There are 5 secrets I am going to share with you for EFFECTIVE communication! Are you ready?

1.    The disarming technique- I know it sounds weird but it is huge! Have you ever been in a disagreement with someone and it is something small but it ends up being this huge fight that you are so overly mad but then you realize you have no idea why you got mad in the first place. This is why.  People become defensive of themselves or they blame others. This creates a high tension situation so the first step to the disarming technique is to avoid or decrease both peoples defensiveness.. Next you have to agree to not blame, take responsibility, be honest with yourself about your desire, and find the kernel of truth. What the heck is the kernel of truth? GOOD QUESTION. The kernel of truth is taking apart the original thing that the person said. What are their true feelings behind their words. Maybe they just cant tell you the full truth of what they feel, or maybe they don’t know themselves. 

This step literally can change everything. You can say something like “you are right, I was just trying to fix your situation and I forgot to listen to what you were saying. I need to listen and validate what you are feeling”

2.    Thoughts of empathy. People need you to understand, validate, and empathize with them. Repeat what they said and say that you can see how they could feel _____. You can guess their emotions.

3.    Gentle inquiry- invite them to share their thoughts and feelings. Ask them to share how they feel and what they are thinking.

4.    when_______-what is the event or circumstance

     I felt ________ -Emotion not judgment or evaluation

    because _________ - share the connections or thoughts

     I would like ________ - a solution

5.    Be authentic/respectful and have admiration for each other.

Now these seem like dumb little things but every single one of these steps are very important and can completely change the nature of an argument. When you implement these, you will immediately see the difference in your conversation. The aggression will dwindle, you will be able to be calm and actually work things out well. 

I have another secret to share! 

Mutual decision making

Plana time to sit down to talk about it- no interruptions ~30min

            Sacred time

            Sacred place

Tell each other -love and appreciate5-10 min 

sincere and authentic -little things

            "Thank you

            We have been praying for”.     

            “I love you so much. Appreciate you taking care of….”

Pray-talk to Heavenly Father - to please help us - priesthood

Discusswhat we think Heavenly Father would want/ do- gods will- till consensus 

pray againand ask if the consensus is right- feel it?

Have a Snack- chocolate, pie

In family decisions HEAR EVERYONE- EVEN CHILDREN

Now that you have the secrets to communicating well and how to make decisions without argument. Go out and put it to work! You will be surprised how much different things will turn out. 

family under stress

It is no secret that there is a lot of stress on and in families. I know all of us have felt it. Whether it is stress from outside things or arguments/ disagreements within the family as well. The most attacked thing within this world, besides the belief and love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, is the family.   With this being the most attacked, Satan uses his most clever tactics to get us to argue and have the ultimate goal, break the family apart.

For the last two years, I have been fighting the worst of my depression and anxiety. Before this, about two years prior, I was at the start of my emotional breaking point. This created immense stress with my family. Since then, I have been to the emergency room twice for suicide prevention. You could imagine the level of stress on us. I am still surprised that our family is still intact. Luckily, we had resilience. There could have been very bad outcomes from this but instead, we were able to push through.

Now let’s talk about what stress really is. One definition on Merriam- Webster defines stress as constraining force or influence: such as a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation. So this sounds like stress is really bad! Stress can literally cause physical health problems. I remember when my anxiety was through the roof and I was so stressed, my stomach hurt all the time and I couldn’t eat really anything. It can cause stomach ulcers, muscle pains, headaches, fatigue and it can affect your sleep like crazy. I know that My body gets so achy and I either can’t sleep or I have terrible nightmares. Stress, obviously, affects you mentally as well. It can change your mood, make you lack motivation and focus, it can make you irritable and angry, or it also can make you sad and depressed. Stress drives people to drink or start using tobacco products or drugs. People tend to withdraw from lots of activities and people when overly stressed as well as they can have angry outbursts. They can displace their feeling of stress onto you.

You can see how these symptoms can cause even more problems in the family but there are effects of families that affect more than just our bodies. They affect our relationships. WOAH. So you are telling me that my inside world and outside world both get affected… YEAH its crazy I know. So there are so many stressors that occur to a family, things like Sickness, loss of job, financial problems, natural disasters, depression, addictions and death of a family member. These create so much tension in families. These types of stressors can destroy families or make them closer but it all depends on what they do. Families that come together usually try to openly talk about the stressor, use each other for support, and allowing each other the tie to process alone. I know the last option is a little odd because you would think that leaving someone alone would be bad but when there is some big event affecting the family, people need time to process, cry, think, and feel. I know that for me, I need some space for people to think about what is going on and figure out what is really happening and what is my mind making up. I have a pretty creative mind. Families that pray together tend to have better success getting through the stressor at hand. They are brought together spiritually through prayer and they get to have an outlet to give their problems too.

Sex, love making, and WHHHATTT?

Alright, lets talk sex. I know this is a touchy subject and some of you are blushing just reading this but sex is a topic that isn’t talked about and is ESSENTIAL to a marriage. Now first off there I think that there is two types of sex: Sex and LOVE MAKING. The difference is crucial. If you are making love then there is openness and communication between you and the other person as well as love and knowledge of each other and care. Without these things on both sides, things can get very careless and not both people are taken care of. Now what do I mean by “taken care of”? That’s a great question! There is a thing called the Sexual Response Cycle. 

This shows the responses of a man and a woman and the differences in orgasm and plateaus. There is a comparison to explain this difference and how hard it is to get a girl going versus a boy. A man has 1 candle, it is easy to light 1 candle, but a woman has 200 candles but when you light all of them, she lit. This explains that it takes more effort and time to get a girl going and, in the mood, than a man.  Now, did you know that the brain is the biggest sex hormone? It’s true! Part of this is related to how the people see each other, attractive or non-attractive. Things like a woman sees him holding a child a being gentle then this shows he will be gentle with her and can trust him or when he does things for her, it takes things off of her mind and allows her to put energy into other things, so she sees that he will help her. The brain is also part of the sexual response cycle with its chemicals called serotonin (pleasure hormone), Dopamine (thrill, OH YEAH), and for women oxytocin (bonding, feel close). The extra hormone that is released in women is the same one that is released during and after birth, so you can see why women get more attached and hurt when things don’t work out. Now it is important in the sexual part of relationship to be unselfish. This is an intentional act not an automatic. NEVER FOCUS ON ORGASM. It is about the bond you are strengthening not the pleasure feeling. You have to know each other intimately. 

Another topic in the sexual category is self-pleasure. This is called masturbation. In this day in age people use pornography as a way to help themselves masturbate. Now do you think with all these brain chemistry hormone releases that it is healthy to watch porn or masturbate? The answer is no. Yes, I know they teach in health class that it is healthy but it isnt. If a man is watching pornography, then his partner could end up feeling like she has to compete with the people in the videos. She could feel that she has to fight for his attention. Pornography is the ANTI to love making She could then think that he is thinking about the girls on the video instead of her while they are having sex and then there is the factor of the man being attached to whom he is watching or even just his hand..  Its chemistry. 

Lastly, I want to touch on is the negatives effect “sex” can have on people. The reason I put it in quotes is because in this part of it, it doesn’t even qualify as sex. First off there is the kind of sex that the man doesn’t care one bit about the girl and he just does what he needs to get off and then he is done. This can happen in and out of a relationship. I have personally been used in this way in a commited relationship. It is the worst! You think he cares about you and then he only takes care of himself. This is very damaging to someone. They feel worthless and powerless and even like a used up piece of garbage. That’s how felt and still feel from time to time. There are worse cases where a person can be sexually abused or raped and they can have those same feelings butthey may be intensified. I relate these things because although one is consented and one is by force but they can have similar outcomes of feelings. Consent can quickly turn into abuse and can hurt someone beyond your understanding. When someone is hurt in a sexual way, it leaves internal scares that can last forever.

Dating to engagement

In my last post, I talked about how there are steps to moving from dating to getting married. The steps in between those are very important. You have to court someone, which basically is when you are exclusively together and only have eyes for the other. During this stage you are still trying to impress the person and get them to really fall for you. You do things like hold the door for her, kiss her hand, more gentle touching or making things more special. This is a very important part of the process and is really the foundation of an entire marriage. I truly feel that the things that you do in the courtship/ exclusive stage is what you build your relationship upon. If the two of you fight a lot with you are supposed to be impressing each other, then how are you supposed to have a happy marriage. Contrary to common thought, getting married does not fix everything at all. If anything, it makes thing more difficult because you are now connected to each other. Although I am not married yet, I know that getting married is a big deal that takes a lot of thought effort, patience and a sense of humor but more than that it takes a strong foundation to be healthy. This foundation is commonly missed because no one is taught how to find a spouse, but they are told to do it. People aren’t taught how to look for a spouse or even how to decide if the other person is good for them. Some people become so desperate that they lose a lot of their “criteria” they have, and they settle for someone that doesn’t take care of them, doesn’t have the same life goals, or doesn’t have the same morals. So many people over look large things in the others life or personality just so they aren’t alone. I think that our society is so afraid to be alone but doesn’t know how to be in a relationship either. You can see how this is a problem. Now why would it be important to know how to be in a relationship? To be able to build that essential foundation! CORRECT!! Without a solid foundation that is built together, problems that come up during a marriage, can and will destroy a marriage. The foundation provides for turbulence but makes it so the couple can come back to something. There are many many many couples that allow for small fights to push them to divorce because they didn’t establish that essential foundation. Now what does it mean to build a foundation within a relationship. The next stop of this process is getting engaged. Now-a-days, people are doing what has been called “sliding” into marriage. They can almost miss the engagement stage. You might be asking what I mean when I say miss the engagement stage. It is believed by some that it isn’t good to discuss actually being married to the one you are with and if you do talk about it/ say things like “when we are married” or “if we get married”, then it can skip the engagement and the proposal can be overlooked and less significant. It is thought that couples can bring up topics that relate to marriage an ask what is important to the other in a marriage or what they think they want but not applying It directly to the actual couple. I think that maybe this isn’t the most correct of thinking. Just because the couple talks about these things, does not necessarily mean that they won’t put much significance on the engagement. I think that in some ways it can be helpful to talk about marriage and say “if we get married” because then you both understand that you are BOTH working towards a marriage and are serious instead of one thinking marriage and the other thinking that this was just a temporary thing. I know so many people that they are suddenly broken up with because the other person only saw their relationship as a stepping stone and temporary. There is much more success to be had by communicating that you see a future together. In my opinion. There are so many ways to go about relationships but there is one thing sure. There are steps to and stages to becoming married.

Dating

Dating is a very simple concept that our society has made into something complicated. Dating can be broken up into 4 levels: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Now a days, people look to an “easier” form of dating called “hang outs”. These are actually very ineffective in a lot of cases. This is not saying that hanging out with people cannot result in a strong healthy relationship but I am saying that going about dating in a hangout attitude does not result in the best relationships. Of course you can still hang out with the person but there is a strong importance of dating. Before getting to dating, a person have to look at the people in front of them and look for several different things like attractive, commonalities, creativity and fun. Girls also look to see if a guy is going to be able to provide, preside, and protect. There is actually a criteria of dating. First, there is paid for. This means that the guy pays for the date. Yes this seems very old fashioned but it actually says a tremendous amount about the man he will become. If the guy does not pay for the girl then there can be a question of how well he will take care of her and that he will be able to provide for their future. Next, there is planned. This is another important factor as well because it shows the amount of thought that the guy is willing to put into the relationship and if he will continue to peruse and court her throughout the relationship. The last criteria of dating is paired off. This is extremely important to the process. Can the couple be paired off together and just be the two of them without being awkward? Can they have a conversation that is productive and get on a deep level? Like I mentioned before, trends are not helping this at all. People are afraid to lead someone on or have the pressure of a date. They prefer the less formal way of getting to know someone so they can be “more themselves” or they don’t freeze up as well as having the opportunity to leave when they want because there is no commitment. Some guys are just plain afraid of the rejection. There are so many benefits to going on dates such as the chance to do shared activities. The positives to this is then you can see what the other person likes and make sure they like the same things and that you can have fun together. It is never fun to be on a date with someone that hates an activity that you just love. That isn’t a relationship that you will be able to thrive in when neither of you like the same activities.  It also is the worst to be on a date or even just be around someone that you just cannot talk to. No matter how hard you try, the conversation never picks up. So why would you want to spend time with someone that you can do fun things or talk to? Beats me! Now some of you are probably asking is you should even date if you aren’t looking to be in a serious relationship. The answer is yes!! A serious relationship is not the only reason for dating. You can be dating to find what you like and don’t like. You could think you don’t have anything specific you are looking for and then go on a date with a guy that brings you flowers before the date and you realize that you actually prefer the flowers before and it gives a nice touch that you didn’t expect to enjoy. On the flip side, you are picked up for a date and the guy doesn’t open the car door or building doors for you. Before you didn’t notice this as a thing on your list but now you are completely turned off but this lackadaisical act. What if a girl burps on the date? Are you totally disgusted or it doesn’t bother you at all? You would have no idea about these different factors if you didn’t go on many different dates. You should treat dates to have fun. Although there are people that can only date a few people and find the one, your search can be long and require much thought and investigating. You may need to date 100 girls before the one. Don’t get down on yourself, just have fun!

The Proclamation and how it relates

 “ALL HUMAN BEINGS- male and female- are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny” This is just a small part of The Family A Proclamation to the World by The First Presidency and the Council of The Twelve Apostles. I love many parts of the proclamation but as I looked through, this part especially stuck out. It is an incredible message that these ordained men are trying to put out. Saying that everyone, no matter if they are male or female or whatever color, race, or eye color we are all spirit sons and daughters of God. That message is incredibly essential to our world. People need to know their divine identity. When I was told this vital piece of who I was, I found so much more purpose and importance to the world.  I felt that I mattered. Not only that, but I now had a HEAVENLY FATHER that loved and cared about me. A father that watched over me and guided me when I needed it. A father I could talk to when I needed someone to talk to. This was also an eye-opener to the fact that EVERYONE around me was a son or daughter of God as well, which means that they have divine potential as well. This made me see the people around me in such a new way. It is so critical for us to know our divine nature and destiny so we can reach our potential.

Also stated in The Proclamation to the World “…God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and women, lawfully wedded as husband and wife”. This is such a key point to emphasize in our world today. Although I do agree that people deserve to be happy and love whomever they want, marriage really should be between a man and a woman. There are several topics that I would like to touch on regarding this topic. First, there is an idea out in the world today that people should be able to marry and be with anyone they want. They are allowed to have kids and live however they want. No one should judge them or ridicule them. I do agree that there should be no judgment and criticism towards these people but loving council and teachings are encouraged. The fault with this thinking is that this is not the way that is ordained of God himself Heavenly father sent a man and women to populate and replenish the Earth. He wouldn’t send 1 man and 1 woman and make it only possible to have children with 1 man and 1 woman if it wasn’t the correct way to marry. “ The Family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and women is essential to His eternal plan” This is the beginning statement of the 7^thparagraph within the proclamation and is the beginning of the longest paragraph. The next idea I want to make a point on is “man and women, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” This is such a bold and neglected statement in our society. People would rather cohabitate or sleep around than to commit to someone. In many studies, it has been seen that couples that cohabitate before marriage are far more likely to divorce than couples that do not. This is such an intriguing result. Aren’t we told that you get to have a “test run” so you can “try it before you buy it”? Isn’t living together before you are married supposed to let you see if you can do it. Doesn’t it let us get used to each other before we decide if we could be together the rest of our lives? NO!! Ok, so yes there are couples that stay together with their entire lives and they lived together before their marriages, but we are seeing that when people save sacred things like sex, sleeping together at night, and living together until after they are married, they have happier healthier marriages. 

This is all not to say that everyone who has done these things is damned to hell or is going to suffer. I truly believe that the only way to TRUE and ETERNAL happiness is to follow the commandments of our LOVING Heavenly Father and the teachings of Jesus Christ and his apostles. As we follow him, we are guided through life and blessed by Him! 

Cultures helping or hindering

Families have a culture within their background, ethnicity, or The family is the prime way culture can continue or fall flat. The United States is the prime example of a place that a family can either carry on their traditions or allow them to become things of the past. Families can perpetuate culture is to continue to do different traditions and use language that has been used for generations. I think also a way to keep tradition is to not move. Staying in one place/ in the same country keeps the same kind of family atmosphere. There are many families that lose so much of their culture by moving to a new place. I think that a big reason for this is a disconnect between parents and children. Without that connection, the children lose the want to be like their parents and they can completely ignore traditions, values, and family relationships. Studies show that close relationships in a family result in healthier children mentally and socially. I will use myself as an example and then compare it to my boyfriend’s family. I grew up in a home that my parents fought all the time and were constantly in trouble for things that did not seem to be as serious. I was also told all the negative things that I did in sports or school instead of being told good job or praised. This affected me in TREMENDOUS ways. I now have major depression and anxiety with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know that some of my symptoms are directly related to the relationships, contention, and un-approval that I experienced in my home. My boyfriend, on the other hand, grew up in a home that was very nice, communicative, and loving home. He has turned out a very respectful, healthy, and spiritual man that holds his values high and is very understanding, patient, and loving. He is able to talk through problems instead of yell about them and he can calm most situations down. Just with these two examples, we are able to see that the environment/ culture that a child is around can affect them greatly. There is another example that I would like to explain here. A young man, named Jonny, grows up in downtown Oakland, CA. His older brother is part of a gang and his mom is always either at work or passed out drunk. His dad was killed in a gang shooting when Jonny was 5 but he was never around to give him guidance anyways. Jonny has no other example other than his brother and the gang members that come around. Jonny ends up dropping out of high school and becoming a drug runner. He only knows this lifestyle. Jonny is a very intelligent boy that could have great potential. In another environment where the culture was different, Jonny would thrive in academics, sports, and socially. Jonny could have received a full ride to any college in the country for his athletics and had a great GPA through his career.  This is a fake person in a fake scenario but this is a real problem. The culture that children grow up in is very important and is a large determining factor of how they will function, act, and think when they are older. The environment they grow up in can either function as a roadblock/ deterrence, or an accelerator. My childhood and environment created life hindering mental health problems that I am now battling in my adult life. This causes me to have to deal with extra things that others don’t have to. I have to put time, energy, and mental capacity into controlling my emotions, stress, and anxieties that other people do naturally. I know that there are infinite numbers of cultures in our world. I do not know what culture is best if there even is one, but I know that there are different aspects of cultures that are detrimental to children and their development.